Dear Amy: My good college friend “Clara” is getting married next month.
Clara has several bridesmaids. We are all quite close.
Her bridesmaid “Sara” has an older sister, “Anne,” and in our college days we would occasionally socialize with Anne. We consider her a friend.
Anne was invited to the wedding with a plus-one, but she can’t attend and she RSVP’d “no.”
Sara’s brother, “Brett,” had expressed his desire to attend the wedding. To be clear, he was not ever invited.
Now, Brett has apparently helped himself to Anne’s declined invite, accessed the wedding site, and RSVPed “yes” for him and a plus-one!
I am shocked on behalf of Clara, who has been meticulously planning this wedding for two years! She is sweet, kind and non-confrontational. And now she faces this insanely awkward dilemma.
Allowing Brett to help himself and a plus-one to the wedding is out of the question.
My question is, who is responsible for telling him off? Clara, as she is the one in charge of the guest list? Sara, who has already talked to her brother, but probably doesn’t know that he went so far as to RSVP? Me, because of the three of us, I have the least issue with confrontation?
Please weigh in! I need to know the most appropriate way to tell off this wedding crasher.
– The Enforcer?
Dear Enforcer: Finalizing the guest list is the bride’s job. Policing her younger brother is Sara’s job. Enforcing might be your job. I’ll do the rest.
I think the best way to approach this would be to react as if Brett is trolling and has appointed himself the Vince Vaughn character in this particular movie.
The bride should review the online RSVP list, and if it shows Anne as having RSVP’d “yes” despite her stated inability to attend, Clara should confirm with Anne that she will not be at the wedding and ask her if it’s possible that her brother has filled out her RSVP.
If Anne confirms that Brett has done this, the bride should let Sara know and confirm that Brett has not been invited to the wedding.
You might be helpful by assisting the bride in composing a simple message to Brett that is straightforward, polite and firm. I suggest something along the lines of: “Hi, Brett, I understand that you have invited yourself and a guest to my wedding! I assume you’re just trying to prank us (haha!), but if you’re serious about this I need to remind you that any uninvited people will be asked to leave before the ceremony.”
You and one of the groom’s ushers should volunteer to be on the lookout for this uninvited guest and quietly escort him out if he shows up.
Dear Amy: Lately you’ve published several letters from women who are in long-term marriages but are so unhappy that they are considering leaving the marriage.
I was 70 years old and in a 48-year marriage when my husband and I separated.
At my insistence, we were seeing a couples counselor. When it became apparent that my husband wasn’t interested in saving the marriage, we separated.
We had been married for more than 52 years when we finally divorced in 2019.
I stayed in that marriage because I was scared that I couldn’t make it on my own financially, but I did. I’ve learned so much since the divorce and I don’t regret my decision for one second.
This isn’t the solution for everyone, and I’m not advocating for separation or divorce, but I’d like to encourage any woman who is miserable in her marriage to seek a way to make it better. If that doesn’t work, remember that you may be stronger than you think.
– Been There
Dear Been There: You are part of a growing trend known as “gray divorce.”
There are many serious consequences to divorcing at your age, but I agree that most of us are stronger than we think.
Dear Amy: “Hanging Up” is a crotchety old coot who thinks his daughter-in-law’s frequent videocalls are intrusive. You agreed with him! Your advice was terrible. He obviously feels no connection with this family.
– Upset
Dear Upset: I made several suggestions for how the elder couple could help the distant daughter-in-law through her loneliness, including the idea that he should initiate some calls to her.
You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.
